


As If We Never Said Goodbye

by barbaesparza



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 19x13 Episode Tag, Angst, Angst With Hope, Colleagues to Friends, Goodbyes, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post Undiscovered Country, Pre-Barisi, Pre-Relationship, Regrets, Reunions, Undiscovered Country, post 19x13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 04:32:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14488902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbaesparza/pseuds/barbaesparza
Summary: Rafael and Sonny get the ‘goodbye’ they deserve. But it turns out they don’t need it after all.I've spent so many mornings just trying to resist youI'm trembling now, you can't know how I've missed you





	As If We Never Said Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this before the episode aired, so nothing specific. I sat on it for ages. Um, yolo, I guess.
> 
> Title from As If We Never Said Goodbye from Sunset Boulevard. Not a songfic, but the lyrics in the summary are also from that.

“There’s someone waiting for you over there,” Liv tells him softly.

Rafael walks over to the desks.

Of course.

Carisi. If he didn’t lie to himself, he always knew this would almost be the hardest part.

“Counselor,” Carisi says affectionately as he approaches, looking up and stepping closer.

“Detective,” Rafael acknowledges nostalgically.

They look at each other sadly for a moment.

“I guess, um.” Rafael doesn’t know what else to say.

“Yeah,” Carisi says, just to fill the silence. His eyes tell him there’s so much he could say to fill it, but instead he just gives him the warmest smile he can muster under the circumstances.

It reminds him so much of when Carisi had told him he admired his- whatever he was going to say.

Happier times.

Happier times, when the future was ahead of them, full of promise.

What could have been.

What had almost been, had Rafael been a little more courageous. Where it mattered.

Now nothing matters. Not anymore.

He blinks, realizing he’d been staring at Carisi's face, spaced out.

Carisi’s eyes look a little damp, if Rafael’s not mistaken.

"Good luck, Rafael. I hope- I hope this isn't goodbye."

_I hope so too._

He knows it will be.

So instead he just smiles weakly.

“You too, Detective,” he says, shaking Carisi’s hand. He wonders what it would be like to not let go, but of course, he must. He turns and walks away, and forces himself not to look back.

* * *

Two months later, still jobless, Rafael has had a lot of time to sit around and think. And drink.

Tonight is no exception, as his scotch is set in front of him by the bar staff.

As he drinks, thinking about how he’s drinking away money he definitely needs to be saving, he senses someone approaching him.

“Rafael.”

He looks up, startled. “Detective.”

“It’s nice to see you,” Carisi says casually.

“I suppose I could say the same,” Rafael returns.

Sonny stands there awkwardly for a moment, possibly waiting for Rafael to ask him to leave.

But Rafael doesn’t. He just keeps drinking, and when he turns back to Carisi, he smiles.

He smiles, and Carisi looks like he might cry.

“You could've called,” Carisi says, and it’s obviously meant as a joke, but it sure as hell doesn’t sound like one.

_I was ashamed._

He doesn’t know what to say.

"I suppose... I could've called," Carisi says quietly.

"Well, you're here now, Carisi. Have a drink with me."

Carisi's eyes spark with amusement. "We're friends now, not just colleagues, right? You can call me Sonny, surely."

Friends. All that they were, all that they'd ever be.

Rafael considers Sonny before nodding. "Okay."

Smiling, Sonny slides into the seat beside him. He hesitates a moment, contemplating his next move carefully. “How are you?” he settles on.

“I’m fine,” Rafael answers with a thoughtful frown. “More than fine. Good, almost.”

Sonny nods slowly.

“How about you?” Rafael asks, genuinely wanting to know.

He had wondered.

He had wondered about Sonny, about how he was doing.

What he was doing.

If things were different without him, or just the same.

He’d known it was pointless, but he couldn’t stop.

He’d missed Sonny.

It wasn’t the same without him.

“Good,” Sonny decides. “But-” He stops speaking abruptly, wiping a hand over his mouth.

“What?”

“No, I’m good,” Sonny says. He doesn’t sound very sure to Rafael.

“Is something wrong?” Rafael asks quickly.

He stares at Rafael a little too long before answering.

“No, it’s nothing.” He grimaces slightly. “I miss- I miss seeing you,” he says shyly.

Rafael lets out a small chuckle. “Why?”

Sonny’s cheeks color pleasantly. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Rafael shoots him a disbelieving glance. “That’s sweet.”

It is. It’s sweet of him to say.

“Do you- Do you miss it?” Sonny asks, voice pitched up just a little.

“No. Not really. Maybe when things were better. But I don’t miss what I left.”

Sonny nods seriously.

Rafael hesitates, his next words not at all in the realm of things he’d planned to say. “I missed you,” he says in a rush, surprised he’s managed to form the words. It feels right, despite the way his face is burning.

“Really, Counselor?” Sonny says, clearly trying to conceal his glee, an eyebrow ticking upwards.

“I’m not anymore.”

Sonny grin softens, the sight of which has Rafael’s heart ticking ever faster.

“Not a counselor, I mean,” Rafael clarifies.

“Right, right. Sorry.” Sonny’s eyes widen, stricken by his slip.

Rafael shakes his head almost imperceptibly. “It’s okay. You know what they say about old habits.”

“Uh huh.” Sonny nods conversationally before blinking. “Hold on, you missed me?” The corner of his mouth curls upwards, like he daren’t let himself smile.

“Not nearly drunk enough for this,” Rafael groans. “But… I said what I said.” He takes another sip of his scotch.

Sonny smiles then, lit up like the soft flame of a candle. “Don’t miss me, Rafael,” he says softly. “I’m right here.”

Looking into Sonny’s eyes, so earnest, so open, Rafael wants so badly to kiss him, to show him just how much he missed him, to make right on the time they’d wasted.

But it’s not the time now either, and he shouldn’t mistake Sonny’s caring for deeper feelings.

He doesn’t want to make any more mistakes if he can help it.

So instead, he simply says “So am I.”

Sonny nods, a small smile still playing on his lips. “So…” he trails off, searching Rafael’s face for something, but Rafael can’t think what.

“Another round is in order,” Rafael declares.

 

They drink for hours into the night, and Rafael doesn’t even bother asking about Sonny’s original plans because he doesn’t want him to leave. He also knows if he’d rather go, he would.

Sonny doesn’t.

Sonny stays, and as they rib each other, make small talk and laugh, Rafael feels lighter than he has in a long while.

Something of the old _them_ is regained, he thinks.

Of the old him.

 

“We should do this again,” Sonny says as they stand up to leave.

"Yeah," Rafael agrees. "We should."

They walk out together, and Rafael knows his feet are dragging because he doesn’t want the night to be over, doesn’t know how long it will be until they do meet again.

As they step out into the still night air, Sonny turns to him, hesitating, and Rafael briefly entertains that Sonny had perhaps been thinking something similar. “Don't be a stranger, Rafael,” he says, his eyes lit up in a smile that doesn’t quite reach his lips.

“I’ll try,” Rafael says in an exhale.

Sonny takes Rafael’s hand briefly, giving it a squeeze. “Take care of yourself.”

Rafael’s heart tightens, as if it’s being squeezed along with his hand.

“Yeah. I’ll call you,” he stutters helplessly.

“You’d better,” Sonny says, in almost a flirty tone, if Rafael can believe it, as he slides into his cab.

Rafael walks back to his apartment, feeling like he’s just found the missing pieces to the puzzle he’d already forgotten he was doing.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked that, leave me a comment if you like! Thanks for reading :)


End file.
